how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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