i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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