You're a womanizer and a bitch.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
