He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
