mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
