Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
