i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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