hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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