he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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