Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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