remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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