my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
