yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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