My first STD was from a foam party
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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