i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
