lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
