Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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