remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
