i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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