Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
