I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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