WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
