I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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