So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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