Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
