Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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