I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
