you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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