Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
