Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
