Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
