20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
