I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
