i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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