The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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