You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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