Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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