I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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