the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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