i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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