Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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