i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
