we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
