Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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