I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
