It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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