Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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