wanna go halves on a baby?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
