I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
