I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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