toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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