he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
