no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
