She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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