Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
